Happy 2017 to everyone! May your lives be rich and rewarding this year and may all your resolutions be fulfilled. I want to share with you the wonderful experience I had recently when a friend visited with his gorgeous 3 year old son (let’s call him Simon). What a pleasure it was to spend time with my friend but also with Simon, who was so delightful the experience has stayed with me weeks later. The reason for the delight? My pleasure was in being with such a happy, secure, well-mannered child who was part of the morning and the conversation without intruding on it. I’m sure we’ve all had the experience of finding ourselves exhausted by a friend’s visit because his/her child was so difficult. Not this one! Later I tried to analyse the reasons and here’s what I found:

There was no sign of any technology or TV Simon’s father talked to him and ‘taught’ him all the time. On the one hour drive to my home they had counted trams, how many cranes they saw, the number of red cars they passed, on so on

When they arrived the father gave Simon many simple decisions to make. He never said the blanket, ‘what would you like to do?’. Instead he asked, ‘to you want to have coffee at Robyn’s or at a coffeeshop?’ (he opted for Robyn’s); ‘Do you want milk or water?’ ‘Would you like to sit on the ottoman and watch the trams and at the table with us?’

When Simon wanted to be part of the conversation he always began with ‘excuse me’ before interrupting and then when he spoke his father gave him total attention. And in between time my friend and I spoke without interruption.

All of the above are simply ‘good parenting 101’. Children love to learn and they especially love to learn from their parents. Simon was learning all the time in the conversations with his dad. He was learning how to count, how to distinguish colours, how to use words correctly, and what constituted good manners.

Simon was learning about decision making and thinking through alternatives. One problem I see as an educator is we tend to overload children with decisions. I remember one memorable day as a principal when a 5 year old was asked whether or not he wanted to enrol in my school!! This is a hard enough decision for an adult to make, let alone putting the onus on a 5 year old. It is great to teach decision making but we should always start with simple alternatives – ‘Do you want to wear your red dress or your blue dress?’ not ‘What do you want to wear today?’

I have no problem with parents giving children technology in moderation and when they are older but I must say I cringe to see 2 year olds playing with one iPhone while the parent plays with another. And I’m ready for the criticism I might get for this opinion! Of course, our children have to be familiar with technology. Their future depends upon it, but we need also to give them time when they learn to amuse themselves, use their imagination and, dare I say it, be bored. Most of all, we need to put both phones down and talk to each other.

Finally, perhaps the most important parenting skill was in full view throughout the visit. When Simon asked to be part of the conversation he received the complete attention of his listeners. I know I’ve definitely been guilty with my children of not listening carefully – regularly! It is amazing the see the difference and the reduction in attention-seeking when good manners are rewarded with total attention.

When children are asked what they want from their parents, the overwhelming response in hundreds of studies is they want their parents’ time. It is interesting how hard we work to make money to give our children everything they want, when all they want is our time.

Worth pondering for 2017?