It is not surprising that sometimes parents feel they would like to wrap their children in cotton wool and hide them away from the world. Daily we hear stories that, if we allow them to, can make us feel constantly anxious. If this anxiety takes over and becomes irrational, the temptation is to ‘hover’ over our children and never give them opportunities to learn resilience and independence.

When ‘hovering’ is out of concern for their children, parents do little harm, and children themselves report that they are happy to have their parents involved in their lives. The problem, according to Dr Patricia Somers from the University of Texas is, ‘It’s just extremely easy to cross the line between being involved in a child’s life to being over-involved’.

Somers suggests that the growth in parental involvement in the lives of their children seems to be a cultural change caused by:

• Technological advances which allow connection to their children at all times;
• Safety concerns which have escalated in response to a world that is seen as more dangerous than in the past (although a quite search of statistics will show this is actually the safest time in human history); and
• Rejection of the less-attentive child-rearing styles of their own parents.

The term ‘helicopter parent’ refers to parents who hovers over a child at any age and want to be involved in every aspect of their child’s life, including protecting their child from dealing with any adversity or minor failure. These parents step in to handle things for their children in ways that are unhealthy for the child’s development and resilience.

Instead of learning, young people are excused from taking responsibility for their actions, often precisely at a time when they need to face challenge and build coping skills that will increase their self-esteem and ability to cope. Helicopter parents:

• Complete their child’s homework for them or write notes to the teacher asking for their child to be excused from completing homework. This means the child never has to deal with the consequences of laziness;
• Object when the teacher applies disciplinary sanctions if their child’s behaviour is rude and uncooperative. This means children learning that it doesn’t matter how bad their behaviour is, their parents will ‘bail them out’;
• Deny their children school camps and excursion unless they are allowed to accompany them. This means children learn they can manipulate their teachers and school principal by using their parents against them;
• Refuse to believe their child might bully another child or make excuses for their child when it is proved they have. This means children are denied developing coping skills to deal with conflict;
• Blame other’s for whatever their child does. This means children never learn to take responsibility for their actions;
• Blame the teacher if their child does not complete assignments. This means the child feels less respect for the teacher and, eventually, for education itself.

At the extreme end of helicopter parenting are ‘blackhawks’. These parents venture so far as to engage in unethical behaviour to ensure the desired outcomes for their child. For example, completing their child’s assignments or lying about why he or she does not complete homework.

If you recognise yourself in any of these descriptions here are a few things you can do:

• Work with your child’s teachers not against them. You are your child’s first and major educator and can make an immense difference to your child’s life if you and teachers work together.
• Be consistent. That is, make sure there are consequences for bad behaviour and apply those consequences consistently. One of the worst things we as parents can do is make a threat but not carry through with the consequences. Many years ago I remember reading some figures that suggest for one every time we do not follow through, we need to follow through 13 times in a row before we are back to square one.
• Never cover for your child’s laziness or bad behaviour.
• As soon as possible allow children ‘controlled’ independence. In its simplest form this means asking your child, ‘do you want to wear your yellow dress or your blue?’ This gives the opportunity to make simple decisions safely without relying on you for everything. Try not to say, ‘what do you want to wear today?’ Too many choices make for unfair stress and may end in tantrums.
• Trust your child. As children get older allow them to make more choices and go to more places without you. Tell them the consequences if they break your trust, and follow through. Remember the consequence only needs to be sure, not harsh. If you are worried about your child going out alone work together on some risk management strategies.
• Try not to transfer your anxiety to your child. Anxious children lose confidence, resilience and the ability to bounce back.

I try to incorporate resilience building into my books for kids aged 9-12. With my latest series I have built up the characters as people whom fight through adversity.  Remember that 99% of young men and women grow into wonderful adults. I always used to tell the parents of my school that I’d never met an old scholar who hadn’t sorted life out by 28 years old!