Often children find it hard to feel good about themselves. They persuade themselves they are ‘stupid’ or that no one likes them. These are irrational beliefs because there is no sensible reason for them. Some psychologists have made lists of common irrational things that many people believe. Below are ten of these beliefs.

1. I must be loved, or at least liked, and approved by every significant person I meet.

This is irrational because there will always be people who do not like us – just as there are people we don’t like. Just because a particular person doesn’t like us, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us. It probably just means that we do not have much in common with that other person.

When we think someone doesn’t like us and it makes us feel bad some things we can teach our children are:

• Think of someone you know who appears to be really popular – a famous actor or sportsperson, or someone in your family. Do you think that everyone likes them? Even the most popular people in the world have some people who do not like them.
• Think of the special friends you have who do like you and be grateful
• Be kind to others, even those you don’t like. It doesn’t cost anything to be nice to others and, you never know, they might become friends.

2. I must be completely competent, make no mistakes, and achieve in every possible way, if I am to be worthwhile.

It is just not possible to be perfect all the time. Even very competent people make mistakes. Think of all the famous sportspeople who train really hard and are really good at what they do. Do they all win gold medals at the Olympics? Do they all win every tennis tournament or football match? We have all said, ‘everyone makes mistakes’. It’s true!! But somehow, when it comes to our own mistakes we don’t really believe it.

Tell your children if they make a mistake:

• Admit it and apologise if necessary
• Move on. There’s no point in going over and over something you can’t change
• If your mistake came from making a bad decision, talk to others the next time you have a big decision to make because they might see problems you have missed
• Try not to make excuses or be defensive as this is generally seen as weakness rather than strength.

3. Some people are bad, and they should be blamed and punished for this.

There are some people who are bad, but it is irrational to allow this to upset our lives when there is nothing we can do about it. Sometimes we don’t know everything about a person or situation. This is dangerous because if we judge them, we may be wrong.

When a child feels bad because someone seems to have escaped punishment for something they have done, and there is nothing anyone can do about it, tell them to:

• Make a decision to put it out of your mind because you cannot change it
• Think about the good things in your own life
• Bite your tongue when you are tempted to judge others you know nothing about. You might be wrong.

4. It is dreadful, nearly the end of the world, when things aren’t how I would like them to be.

It is irrational to think that anyone can go through life without some bad things happening. If something awful happens to you think about the ‘worst thing that could possibly happen’. Compare what has happened to you with something really sad like the death of someone you love or when at the end of 2004 over 200,000 people died in a tsunami in Asia. Is what happened to you really that bad? In most cases what you are worried about is not the ‘end of the world’ even though it might make you unhappy at the time.

If your child feels unhappy about something bad that has happened, do things to develop resilience by:

• Making sure they have friends they can count on
• Developing a family ritual of everyone keeping a journal and writing down three things each day they are grateful for. Share these things
• Teach them to be assertive; enrol them in drama lessons or self-defence classes; and model positive thinking
• If everything fails, ask for help from a professional.

5. Human unhappiness, including mine, is caused by factors outside of my control, so little can be done about it.

Things from outside sometimes cause human unhappiness, but mostly we have some control over our own happiness. Set an example for your child by:

• Teaching them that, on the whole, they are responsible for their own happiness
• Show them how to take control in a bullying situation, for example, by teaching assertiveness skills
• Teach them strategies for dealing with situations where they have little control. If they learn to think about how they might be able to change something that makes them unhappy they start thinking about the solution instead of the problem
• Don’t allow the ‘blame game’, even when others are at fault. It is amazing how much power there is in turning the other cheek, or returning unkindness with kindness.

6. If something might be dangerous, unpleasant, or frightening, I should worry about it a great deal.

Worrying about something you can’t change is a waste of your time. It is better to think about the things you can change and spend your energy on those.

For example:

• You may not be able to stop George being a bully, but you can change the way you react to the bullying.
• You may not be able to change all the dangers in the world, but you can make sure you take sensible precautions and get the facts on whether there is real danger or you are worrying unnecessarily. A good example is the way we worry about terrorism, but the number of people killed by terrorists is infinitely less than those killed in car accidents, by disease, even by falling off a ladder!
• Think about the truth in the saying, ‘If you continue doing the same thing, you’ll get the same result’; and try to work out how to change your behaviour. It is amazing how a small change in your behaviour, changes the behaviour of others.
• Do something kind for others. When you are doing this you have less time to worry about yourself.

7. It’s easier to put off something difficult or unpleasant than it is to face up to it.

Sometimes when we know something is going to be difficult or unpleasant we try to put it at the back of our minds. We think ‘maybe if I do nothing, it will go away’. Usually thinking about how bad something is going to be is worse than doing it.

Ask your child to think about the times when there was something difficult or unpleasant they had to do and how it felt when they actually did it. For example:

• Telling a bully you wanted the bullying to stop. You probably felt frightened or nervous about doing this. This is when you ask yourself, ‘what is the worst thing that could happen’ and you might answer ‘the bullying doesn’t stop’. If you do nothing, the bullying definitely won’t stop. In either case you will be no worse off – and you might be much better off because speaking to the bully might work.
• Another interesting thing you will learn is, the more you practice doing unpleasant things the easier it will be every time. A good example of this is public speaking. In the beginning almost everyone is terrified of public speaking. Many good speakers will tell you that the first time they spoke in public their knees were knocking and their voices trembled. The only way they got to be good speakers was by facing their fear and speaking in public over and over again. Some of them actually got to like speaking in public!

8. I need someone stronger than myself to depend on.

It is always nice to have someone to help us. This is why it is important to get help from parents and teachers when we can. However, sometimes we will be in a situation where there is no one to help us. This is why it is important to build self-esteem and resilience and practice the things described above. We cannot depend on someone else always being around but we can learn to depend on ourselves.

9. My problem(s) were caused by event(s) in my past, and that’s why I have my problem(s) now.

Many people have terrible things happen in their past. Some people choose to put the past behind them and enjoy their lives; others prefer to think that they cannot do anything to improve their lives. A funny thing happens when people think like this. Those who say, ‘my past was bad but I am going to take control now and not let that ruin my whole life’, are often able to overcome their past and have a good life; those who think that their lives will always be bad, find that is exactly what happens. How we react to bad things in our lives can determine whether our future is better or worse. We can choose to blame the past or we can choose to take control to make our lives better.

10. I should be very upset by other people’s problems and difficulties.

Of course, we should feel sorry for people who are having problems and difficulties, but we must also choose to get on with our own lives. If we can help people we should try, but if there is nothing we can do then getting upset will not change anything. Wasting energy on things we cannot change is a choice we can make, choosing to do what we can to help and then moving on makes us feel better and more in control.

Have you noticed that almost all of these irrational beliefs involve making a decision between letting things control us or choosing to take control of our own thoughts and actions? How can we stop ourselves having irrational beliefs? One way is to make sure to use positive ‘self-talk’.

Our self-talk is that little voice in our head that monitors, processes and advises us on how to relate to the world on a regular basis. If we are not careful we let that voice make us feel bad. We might think for example that we are too fat, or too thin, we might compare ourselves with other people and think we are not as clever, or as attractive, or as rich as they are. We might think that everyone has more friends than we do or that no-one likes us or that we can’t do something because it will be too embarrassing or we might make a mistake. These are irrational beliefs.

Positive self-talk helps us to realise that our thoughts are irrational and stops us focusing on those things, which stop us from succeeding.